Mama Part 2: Days 6-10

Day 6
Family and Friends 

If there is any good thing that death brings, it would be the coming together of Family and Friends. Mama's death pulled the family together- even the extended ones. After the Christian service, my sister and I stayed in my aunts' hotel rooms with them. These are my aunts whom I've met back in my New Years visit, my aunts whom I've only seen 30 years ago prior to that NY's trip. And so, there was a lot of hesitation and worry. Will they like us? Will it be awkward? Will we have anything in common? Will they look down on us or worse, will they hate us?
All of those fears vanished when we felt how they put our needs above everyone else's, even their own. They made sure we were fed and stripped of unnecessary worry. They gave up a bed so that we can sleep. That night was the first in a very long time that my sister slept on a proper bed. Before that, she slept in the hospital's couch, even the backseat of her car just to be near mama. When I got here, my heart broke because even in her own room rental, she only had a couch makeshift bed. Her roommate gave up her bed for me to sleep for the days that I'm here and sleeps in the living room couch. (Thank you Maiqui.)
I felt sorry for my sister but like my mom, she is such a fighter and just shrugs it off. Mama wanted her to look for a better place to stay and that's what we are working on.
Our family is not a perfect one. It is full of drama but also laughter, just like my favourite teleseryes and kdramas. They say it's because of the Dela Cruz blood. When God showered feistiness and strength, my ancestors took it all. And so, we all grew up in that environment, with those role models. My sister is mini-mama. She has her style, her tastes and yes, even her fiery tongue. I too, was like that, and maybe a little bit still. Mama taught us (because she was taught the same thing) to speak our minds and be frank, others be damned. If they can't take the heat, they should walk away. And for a while, I truly believed that. But my sister and I saw the cost that came with that. For me, I lost friends and made bad vindictive enemies. The good thing though is the ones who stuck behind are the really good people. I've seen the same with mama, the ones who stuck by her in the last stretch are gold-hearted people, people who are selfless and sacrifice for mama. You want to know who the really good people are? Have Cancer and you'll see.
But is it not possible to get the best of both worlds? That was a decision I made in 2006 when Ronnel and I moved to NZ. At first, I actually had to just be by myself (and Ronnel) to avoid situations where I'd speak my mind. I needed to practice and change my perspective, always reminding myself that when I point a finger on someone, 3 fingers are pointing back at me. It took a lot of restraint and effort to unlearn years of training. It was only in 2007/8 that I started building friendships again and even then it was in the safe environment of a church community, Couples for Christ. Because I knew that if I said something that might hurt another, I would be corrected, understood and prayed over. And I prayed for myself as well as prayed for people around me. Fortunately, that hasn't happened yet (to my knowledge) because the friends I made are inherently good people. And I have started thinking before I speak. Plus Ronnel is my avid corrector/conscience. We are not perfect, but we make allowances and understand each other.
Shall I show you how good our friends are? When they learned I was leaving for LA, leaving 3 kids with a husband who is a novice in the kitchen - they told me, "Go. Don't worry. We will take care of your family." And they really meant it. They organised a roster of people who bring food to our house everyday. I cooked a lot of food before I left and put them in the freezer for Ronnel to reheat. He hasn't had the chance to touch those because there's a steady stream of food coming to our door. Some drop by with kids to play with the girls, some even pick them up for play dates. Ronnel is very independent and is quite uncomfortable relying on other people so it took a little bit of adjustment but even then, friends understood and continued to help without intruding. They were just there to offer a hand if it got too tough for him. Imagine handling a highly inquisitive 5 year old, a feisty 3 year old and a 7 month old baby. I'm surprised Ronnel hasn't gone crazy yet. He is holding up really well. So I thank my husband and our friends for being there for us. 

I was blessed because I realised this a bit early, that I could get the best of both worlds if I just changed my perspective. And that's what I'm teaching my sister. It is good to speak your mind but make sure when you do it is not something you will regret later on. That you can always change the manner of delivery without compromising the message. I will not lie, Mama's tongue is sharp. It lashes out quickly and it hurts a lot. I should know because I grew up with that. My insecurities are because of that. Only now I find out that she regretted those words. That I still can't believe it when someone tells me how proud mama was of me. In her journals, I read how she spoke her mind and a lot of times only said these words at the heat of the moment. I believe when the Cancer took her voice, she felt frustrated but also maybe relieved because she was stripped of the ability to hurt others with her words. I remember back in New Years, I kept on reminding her to be a bit gentle with her words to the nurses and caregivers around her. They too are people, with a patient ratio of 1:10, they will be on edge too. And I know it's hard for a patient and doubly hard for mama. I'd like to believe she took that on and became gentler especially when she moved to a new hospice. I met one nurse who looked after mama in her last days and he recalled how kind she was and how strong she was. He was teary-eyed when he said those and I am happy because even in a short time, mama's true heart was acknowledged by someone who didn't have the luxury of time to really get to know her.
The friends Mama had, the really good friends, they are the ones who forged the friendship through time. Mama is magnetic- she has a pull that you cannot fathom. You either stay away for good or keep coming back for more. Once you look beyond the sharp tongue, you will see her true heart and you will not regret it. Unfortunately, it takes courage and strength to look beyond the lashes and stick for the long haul. Mama was blessed with people who looked beyond the lashes, who were strong to withstand the surface pain to experience the love she had deep within. And I was wrong if I thought there were only a few who could do this. The memorial service showed me how there were a lot of people whom God sent to mama. There were even two memorial services to show me that. Several came to me, telling me stories and memories they share with mama. And in every story, it would always have "you know how your mom is, right?" They were fond memories and it showed how they looked beyond the surface to really know her. In every story, my mom's strength shone through.

Day 7

Reassurance

As I said back in day zero, if the first visit to LA was for mama, this time it’s for my sister. And so, it’s just right for me as a big sister to guide and support her in the decisions she will be making now that mama is gone. Mama has always been my sister’s decision driver, thought bouncer and conscience. All that I need to do now with 6,705 miles between us.

Len wants to stay in LA and continue to build the dream that she and mama started years ago. It hasn’t been easy and it will not be easy but she is determined to do so on her own. With mama watching above, I am confident that she will make it in time. In His Time. As a big sister, I am supporting her decision and to support that, I need to confirm that her environment, the people around her will help her achieve her dreams and not drag her down. 

I’ve seen and now know that she is in a good church community. I can tell because I am part of one back in Wellington. It might be different but the underlying principle is the same. That Jesus is the centre. I’ve seen that in the Christian memorial service they’ve organized for Mama. There was little effort on that for us – just the flowers and Mama’s photo but the rest were all done by the church. They made it as stress-less as possible. I met her surrogate family for Len but for myself too, so that I know whom to call on should I need to check on her (mwahaha). We had lunch with her “LA big sister”, who’s around my age and had the reassurance that I was longing for – that she will be looked after. I told her that if she is a representative of the community that my sister is part of, then I don’t really have anything to worry about. And it is true. I’ve only met a few from their church but I feel their hearts are the same. One has even offered my sister a place to stay for the next 3 months, rent-free and this is a big deal for her because she needs to save every penny to get back up. Some have asked if my sister had someone special to help her through this, some, asking indirectly and some, just straight out, “Who’s that guy?” “Why second mother?” I am not going to discuss my sister’s love life or lack thereof in this post. smile emoticon But what I will do is share with you my insights on her good friend. A cross-cultural relationship is never easy, compound it with cross-religion – so it is natural to have complications. However, with our romantic aspirations, we will always think that love can shine through. There is truth in that but I believe more than love, there will be a mixture of time and individual maturity. And being good friends is the best option. What my sister has gone through is no joke. She needs to grow and be able to fight her battles. As a big sister, I had to ask “Do you have good intentions for my sister?” And there was no hesitation with the reply – “Of course.” And I will hold on to that. If things go wrong, I will do a Liam Neeson and use my “very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you… I will look for you, I will find you…” 

And of course she has Tito Ernie whom mama has entrusted my sister to be the “LA dad.” I think he was surprised about how open-minded I was about this. I have relinquished any right I have to nitpick when I look at the sacrifices he has made for mama and Len. I see that even after mama’s gone, he genuinely checks on my sister, ensures that she has food to eat and a good place to sleep. I cannot be grateful enough for the people sent to by God to Mama and Len. We are not worthy but still, all these have been given.

The good people around Len will serve as her weapons, some will be her cheerleaders and some, be part of a supportive audience. There will also be some who will be detractors, devil’s advocates or worse, spawns of Satan. What category do you fall into? As of now, I haven’t met any of the latter. I pray that it will be only good people but I am not naïve. I pray that my sister has the gift of discernment to tell the difference.

Now that I’ve been reassured, I can breathe a bit easily. Now, it’s my turn to reassure you. We have been asked about the funds. I would like to believe that when people ask this, it’s because they are curious and have no ill intent. Once and for all, I will do this reassurance and I will not talk about it again. Fundraising was our last resort. Cancer doesn’t hit you swiftly, it is like an expert thief that slowly creeps in and takes things bit by bit and then leaves you with nothing. My sister, just like my mom, didn’t want people to know. Even I don’t, because I’d like to leave even just a little bit of pride and avoid pity. But when the thief takes everything and leaves you nothing, then all pride vanishes just to survive. Remember Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Our basic needs come first. And so with careful and painful consideration, we used our last card – fundraising. People are inherently good and funds poured in. But people are also inherently curious and want to know where they’ve gone. Remember, it was the last resort. That meant, that for a while, mama and Len were living in debt and whatever I could send. As I’ve said in my eulogy, this year and the last were the hardest for us. I couldn’t look Ronnel straight in the eye because I’ve drained us with my papa’s stroke and mama’s needs. We have 3 kids and a mortgage. My brother also has his worries in the Philippines. And we had little time to prepare with mama keeping it all from us. 

And so that’s where it went. When I came here I asked my sister for a breakdown of expenses and I was proud to see her Excel spreadsheet, with expenses broken down monthly, line by line with receipts to boot. And she was still in the red. She is living on a cash basis in America where credit rating is a must. That means she cannot rent a home on her own or buy anything to her name. Funds went to the backlog of payments for their living expenses, mama’s natural supplements, and she had the vision to leave some for mama’s passing. Not everything is free. The Catholic service, the flowers, the document processing, the death certificates, even the TSA packaging required for the ashes to be permitted in the plane. And I reassure you, that your donations were used for the purpose it was intended for and nothing else.

Day 8
Bonding

With only a day to go until I go back to Ronnel and the kids, I wanted to make sure that the day was spent wisely - and what wiser way to spend it with my sister to just bond and spend time together without a care in the world. We went to places mama promised to bring me to before. My sister is a lot like mama -- she wants to maximise every minute to show me around places. I remember when we were kids and went traveling to other countries -- mama would have a full itinerary to make sure we maximised the trip. I keep on telling my sister that it didn't really matter to me if I didn't see all the hot spots in LA-- what mattered is that we were spending time together just being with each other -- not thinking about our pain, our loss, our debts, or what lies ahead. We just enjoyed just being alive. We went to UCLA and pretended we went to school there. We wondered what the best mode of transport was if you had a class from building A to building B which were miles apart. We pretended we were California girls in a top down Porsche driving along the Palm trees in Hollywood. We sang Katy Perry's California girls and forgot all the worries we had. We pretended we were amongst the rich and famous and went in luxury boutiques, ogling the Louis Vuittons, Chanels and Diors. We took photos and posed like the models on the big canvases. We even saw Taylor Swift (we believed it was her or a lookalike) doing a photo shoot. We wanted to get an autograph but she was busy in the shoot, plus fellow actresses don't need autographs. smile emoticon It was a day full of shopping in our minds - not buying anything except for a promise that we will be back in the future and do more than just ogle. In the afternoon, we went with our aunt to do more sightseeing. We took photos every second, wanting to capture the moment when tears aren't falling from our eyes. 

My sister and I are very different. We are different in how we cope with stress. I write. She sleeps. She is a very private person like mama while I have no qualms telling my friends (even acquaintances) about my life. She worries about what people will think, or that people will pity her. I worry but I am past caring. She overthinks. I simplify. But we are also similar in some ways. Both of us do not like asking for help because we think we can manage on our own and we don't want to inconvenience others or be indebted to others. I have since learned to seek for and receive help when given because sometimes I really can't do it on my own. We discussed several times the motivation behind mama's keeping it all from us until it was too late. She understood mama completely and said that she probably will do the same thing if she was in mama's place. For me, I don't think it's fair. If it was me, I'd tell my family as early as possible not because I cannot handle it on my own but just because they have the right to know. My sister argues that the less we know, the less we get hurt. I, on the other hand, think knowledge is power. That if we had known earlier, we could have spent more time together, we could have prepared longer, we could have prioritised better. We still haven't agreed on what is the right thing to do. Mama's wishes is to give away her belongings, burn all her documents, wipe out all her digital information and only leave the documents that are vital. My sister and I are torn between following her wishes and our own. We want to hold on to her memory but we also want to honour her wishes. And so we compromise. We took things that we value to remember her by -- clothes and photos -- and will get rid of everything else. We don't know passwords to her email addresses and we will not pursue finding out whatever secrets she kept from us. We will leave it at that. As her children, we are honouring her last wishes - and some, we are bound legally to. She doesn't want any viewing and that was why there was none in mama's memorial services. Mama's body is now in the science laboratory as she stipulated that her remains be used for research. She said that this is her own way of sparing someone the same pain she went through. Any remnant shall be cremated. She wanted her ashes to be divided amongst loved ones but this was against her Catholic faith so we conceded. My aunt will bring her back to her Mama (my grandmother) in the Philippines in May.

Day 9
Leaving LA

I leave LA knowing that my sister is a strong confident young lady who has a great future ahead of her. I remind her that life is never easy, but the important thing is that we are living. The harder things get, the more painful it feels, the more we feel alive. The moment we feel numb, the moment we let indifference take over, the moment we give up- that's when we insult mama's life. She is still young and has lots to learn for herself and I see her applying the lessons she's learned from mama's life day by day.
Here are some lessons I learned from mama's life:

1. Prevent not cure. My family carries the Cancer gene. Knowing this, we'd like to preempt the strike by living healthy as much as possible. For me, it's a bit challenging with kids but I will try. My sister is a bit stricter. She eats organic, goes to the gym and generally lives healthy along with mama before and is continuing to do so til now. 

2. No judging - Everyone has a cross to bear. To this day, I still cannot fathom mama's motivation for shielding us from the truth but I do not judge her. I also cannot judge the people who judged her and my sister for the life they lived there. They have their own crosses to bear and reasons for acting that way. I do not know the whole story and maybe that's the reason mama kept secrets -- so that I have no culpability when I get judged. 

3. There are good people everywhere but there are rotten ones too - just focus on he good ones and stay clear from the latter. We were surrounded by good people. People who went beyond their comfort zone to help us, people whom we've never met reached out to us, people who also were in dire situations but still pulled through for us. These are people whom we draw our strength and inspiration from. As for the negative people, we don't exert any effort dealing with them. We are drained. I'm not even writing another line about them. 

4. Family isn't determined by blood. I found that many who really stuck by mama were not tied to her by blood, rather by faith and love. However, when you are tied by blood, you have an instant connection with each other which should break any barrier -- especially when it's the first time you're meeting each other. The fact that the same blood runs through your veins should make you connected, make you understand more, empathise more, love each other more. 

5. Find the right balance between keeping image and the truth. Mama downplayed how sick she was until she couldn't hide it anymore. I asked my sister and she thinks it is because mama didn't like being pitied and she didn't want to pass on the burden to her loved ones. It is the same reason why my sister painstakingly takes care of her image, compartmentalising her life into different areas - work, church, friends etc - which do not intersect. I'm different. I don't compartmentalise. I have friends at work, at church and other areas who know what I'm going through now. I have nothing to hide. My sister feels that people will look upon her with sympathy. I feel that people look upon her as inspiration for her strength. She disabled her Facebook account because she gets stressed with people asking how she is as she doesn't know what to tell them. I tell her to tell them to read what I wrote and if they still don't get it, then just pray for them. More than coping with stress, I write for two more reasons: 1- to have a record of my thoughts of this ordeal for future reference and 2- for people who ask how I am. As I mentioned before, people are inherently curious. Since I do not like breaking down at work and crying every time I'm asked how I am, I direct them to my blog. So if you see me and ask me how I'm coping with the loss, I will direct you to my blog. This way, I can spare us both the tears and helplessness. 

6. Seek and you shall find. Ask and you shall receive. One thing we learned to give up in this experience is pride. Pride is the least of your worries when your basic instinct to survive kicks in. So we learned to seek for comfort and we found so much more than just solace. We learned to ask for a hand but were given an arm. My sister and I still argue because she doesn't want to get help because others feel sorry for her. I tell her it doesn't stop here, one day when she is able, she will give twice in return. It might be to the same person or to others like her who need help. Pay it forward. For now, we will be grateful and appreciate all the help we are given-- one day, we will give back -- we will make sure we give more than we receive. 

7. Cherish the people you love. When we learned about how sick mama was, only then we showed her how much we loved and valued her without inhibitions. My sister hugged her every moment possible. I said I love you frequently albeit via FaceTime. We gave in to her whims and did everything to fulfil her wishes. We were blessed because we were given time to do this. Maybe that's another good thing Cancer brings -- a bit of time. If it was a car accident or a death that was sudden, she would have gone without revelling in our love. It was not without effort especially since we are not the "showy" type. You can always argue that you can show love through other ways, through the food you bring on the table or the presents you give your loved ones, that actions speak louder than words. I am not saying you stop doing these. I am just saying you need to reaffirm your love with words. What will you lose if you tell your mother "I love you"? Are those 3 words too hard to come out of your mouth despite the knowledge that your mother carried you in her womb for several months? I do not have the right to preach because I struggled saying those words to mama too. I had a complicated relationship with my mother. I wasn't the best daughter and she wasn't the best mother to me. All the pain we've given each other didn't matter anymore. We asked forgiveness for all the past pain and focused on the present (then). Knowing then that mama might leave us anytime soon, our priorities changed. I believe that a person's value in your life can be realised with the number of things you can let go to make that person happy. 

8. Live life to the fullest but also think about the legacy you'll leave behind. I am still not sure that if mama knew that things will turn out this way, she would live her life differently. She may not. Would she have taken her health more seriously? Would she have told us back in 2011 when she first found out? Would she... I honestly don't know. One thing I know though through her journals is that she lived a life full of love. That in the end she was happy. How many of us would be able to say the same thing? Would I?

9. Love with all your might. Mama loved with everything she had. I know it's been said that when you love, leave a bit something for yourself so that when the person leaves you, you will have something for yourself. I think this might be a family trait. When I love, I don't think with my mind, I think with my heart. (My friends back in the 90's who know many stories: please keep quiet haha)
Just like mama. And that usually causes a lot of headaches and heartaches. But it pays off when you find the person meant for you. If you love and leave a bit of insurance, it's like you are preparing for bad things to happen. And learning from mama's life, despite some heartaches, it is still worthwhile to love wholeheartedly.

10. Have faith. If there's only one lesson I should learn from mama's life, it is to have faith. And never waiver. She knew amidst all the pain and suffering that God had a reason and a grand plan. By entrusting our whole being to God, we know that whatever we do, however we live, He has our back. That whatever life we live here on earth - whether it be full pain and suffering, or full of abundance and joy-- it is nothing compared to the everlasting unfathomable happiness we are promised in the afterlife.

Day 10
Closure

This will be my last post about mama's passing. From hereon, I will focus on the living and filling the void that mama left behind. I'm back in New Zealand, returning to a family that missed me while I was away. It will be hard, mourning and grieving cannot be done and over with just because I left LA. My sister is still grieving and more than anyone else, she literally is left with a huge void when mama left. She fills this void with work. When mama was still around, a day to her was more than 24 hours because after work, she needed to take care of mama at the hospice. Now, she has gained back that time and she fills that with work to save up to pay debts they've incurred to survive. I, too, need to work hard with Ronnel to give our children a good future and to make sure that we keep our promise to honour our parents and let them enjoy time with their grandchildren. And also keep my promise to pay it forward- to make sure to repay the kindness and generosity shown to my family. 

Know that when I post and it's not about mama, or my loss, our pain- it's not because I've forgotten or maybe have finished grieving. Contrary to that, it is a continuing grief process as I return to normalcy. Know that when I don't want to talk about mama or her passing, it's not because I don't care anymore, it's rather the opposite as it is still too raw. Know that when I do not respond to your likes or comments on my posts, it's not because I do not appreciate your words rather I feel warm inside, so warm that it is hard to breathe. Know that when I can only say "thank you" as a reply to your personal messages, it is not because I do not want to share rather it is because I want to spare you the predicament of not knowing how to comfort me when I inevitably pour out everything. Know that when I am smiling, I am doing this not only for my sake but for the sake of my loved ones too with whom I share this burden. 

My next post might be a photo of my kids, a competition I joined, a birthday greeting - the same ones I did before. Know that it's not because it's like nothing has happened, so much has happened that I need to move on. I do not just live for myself. I have my sister, my brother, my dad, grandmother, aunt, uncles, nieces, in-laws, friends. More than that, I have a good loving husband and three rambunctious kids who need all the energy and attention I can give. I have work that impacts the lives of others searching for peace and justice in my country. I have friends physically and virtually present, cheering me on as I move on. I have so many blessings to count that I do not have any reason to wallow in despair. But most of all, I am alive. And mama would want me living it to the fullest. 

PS: Photo posted is a page from a notebook we gave her in our visit last New Years. Aqui wrote a line and mama wrote the plea for rest which was granted. I think it's a great way to go with my post, don't you? 

PPS: I know we already thanked people for helping us in every way possible. Thank you. Words are not enough but still, thank you.

GofundMe Update:

My family would like to thank everyone who helped us through this difficult time. It has been 13 days since my mother left this world and life goes on for those she left behind. 

Through this fundraising site, my mother's last few days were made comfortable and her mind put a little bit at ease. The funds were used to clear some of the debt she incurred when she got sick and had to stop working - rent, food, medical bills. Some were used to support her natural diet - herbalsupplements, organic food and other natural means to delay the progress of the cancer. 

When she passed, the funds were used for the Catholic service as well as documentation costs. The remaining funds will be used in the travel arrangements for her ashes to be brought back to the Philippines, for interment at St. Peter's Parish. 

Again, thank you. You have put a smile on Emy's face during last days here on earth and we are sure that she continues to smile at your generosity and kind heart as an angel.

Faith and Love always,
Einge and EJ

Mama Chronicles: Days 1- 5

Mama Chronicles

Below is my day to day diary of my 9 days here in Los Angeles.

Day Zero

Just like the last time, I will chronicle the next nine days as I go to LA to see mama for the last time. But unlike the last time, this trip I have to do on my own. This is the first time in ten years that I am not with Ronnel for more than a week. I think the last time was back in 2005 when I had to go back to the Philippines to arrange my work visa while Ronnel was in Malaysia. It all still feels surreal. It still hasn't sunk in that Mama is really gone. For me, she is still fighting all these, still telling me there is hope. 

I'm supposed to say that death brings something good, that it takes away all the pain and suffering, that she is in a better place, that she is happy. My head says that but my heart only knows this: it hurts, like hell. I don't know what hell is like but if what I'm feeling is hell, it is enough motivation for me to try being a saint. 

I still remember the moment when I learned of her passing. It was a typical Saturday afternoon-- the girls were in the bedroom being forced/bribed to take their afternoon nap with Ronnel while I watch my Kdrama with Axle happily playing on the mat. I noticed he was laughing by himself, as if he was conversing with someone. My phone rang and on the other end was my sister, Len. Her first words were, "Ate Yeng, Wala na si mama." Mama is gone. My mind went blank and for a moment, it didn't register. Then the wailing started. My sister was driving that time and she was rushing back to the hospice. She only learnt about it through a call from my uncle who was with my mom at that time. At least she wasn't alone. My sister just left for a few minutes to run some errands and she blames herself for not being with mama at that time. I think Mama waited for her to leave because she didn't want her to see her leave. She held on that long. She held on as much and as long as she could. We know she is free of pain now but we cannot help but feel the pain. Ronnel and the girls ran out from the bedroom. There were no words needed. They knew why I was like this and they hugged me as tight as they could. Axle started crying as he got smothered by her sisters. Ronnel wanted to take him from my arms but I refused. Axle was the only reason I wasn't flailing my arms across our living room. It then dawned on me that he saw mama a few moments ago saying goodbye. 

If the last trip was for my mother, this one I am taking for my sister. In between sobs, she asked, "When are you coming?" It's not "Are you coming?" It was a given to be there for her. She needed me. And I needed to be there for her. 

My sister and I ended the call as she drove hurriedly back to mama. When she got there, she called me again. I was still hoping it was a false alarm then. I didn't believe her. It took FaceTime to make me believe. She really left this world. 

And that was when I started writing that farewell note you saw on my wall last Saturday. 

The afternoon was a daze for me. Praying helped as the tears just kept falling. Ronnel took charge as he booked me a flight, fed the kids and did some chores. I didn't know how long I just sat there and cried. I needed to stop crying to be able to function. I needed to switch off. My kdramas usually have hat effect so I started distracting myself but even the charms of Han Jisung had no effect. Worse, even he made me think of mama more and how she would love the episode I'm watching. I remember how mama had marathon-watched 42 episodes of Jang Geum. That was two straight days of watching - she only stopped to eat and pee. We were both k-addicts, we can't stop watching a drama until we know what happens next. I remember back then we watched Kim Sam Soon, we even discussed how their life would be after they got married and all-- as if they were real people not just characters from a tv show.
I stopped watching as the tears grew even fatter now. The kids have stopped comforting me as I cried in the background. I overheard them talking:
Ia: Why is mommy still crying?
Aqui: Because she lost her mommy. Imagine if you lost mommy, won't you cry that long too?
Ia: Oh
Ia ran to me then asking me to not to die so that she won't have to cry this much. It was then that I brushed myself up and went to the kitchen to make dinner.

I finally found the best way to combat tears coming from cutting onions is draining your eyes of tears. Cooking was a bit therapeutic. They say the food you make reflect the mood you are in while making it. Dinner wasn't so nice that night but they still ate it. The girls still did their Saturday night stuff. They knew it was a different Saturday night though. We said a special prayer that night. We prayed for mama. Amidst the pain, we still thanked God because she now has found the peace she so longed for.

Day 0.5

When you're stuck in a long haul flight, your options are limited. I had no Axle, Aqui or Ia to keep me on my toes. Sleep eluded me so that was out of the question. Praying had drained my heart and my tears. So I escape. I lined up my inflight playlist with movies that will make me not cry. But something draws me to one movie - to watch for the last two hours of the stretch. It's probably Robert Downey Jr. or it could be mama. Or it could be both of our love for courtroom dramas. (Sidestory: I remembered an argument she had with my dad when she actually said "You can't handle the truth!" ) The movie was "The Judge". Not even a minute in and tears were falling. Spoiler alert ahead. Mom dying. Stage 4 cancer. Too much coincidence. The message I got from the movie was to value the legacy of the one leaving by valuing the living. In mama's true form, she still imparts her words of wisdom. 

So for the next few days, I will share with you Mama's words of wisdom. These are the words I grew up with, moulding me to the person I am now. 

1. Aim for perfection. Mama used to tell me that nobody else is perfect except for God but because we aim for Godliness, then we should aim for perfection as well. This lesson was ingrained to me since kindergarten. It was not an easy one, especially for a 5 year old and it was one I struggled with growing up. Growing up, I got the message wrong. I saw it as pressure on me to compete with others, to make sure I am number one which is close to impossible because there are so many people better, smarter and work harder than I do. Little did I know that it wasn't about me besting others, it was about me besting myself. It wasn't just about perfection, it was what was perfect for me.

Day 1 - Chore Day

Touchdown LA the second time around feels different but feels familiar as well. I was greeted by the same immigration officer whom we met before when we visited mama for New Year's. He still remembered Aqui and Ia and the Mickey Mouse stamp he gave them. The waterworks started again when he asked why I was here. He shared that he too lost his father a few years back and that all we can do in such times is to pray hard. No further questions were asked and my passage through the immigration gates went smoothly. Outside the gate was my sister wearing the same shirt my mom wore in the post I made just this morning. Mama's doing, I suppose. 

We got down to business and didn't waste time on pleasantries. We looked for flower arrangements for mama's service on Friday and Saturday. We haggled for the best price knowing that resources are scarce and we were happy to score a good deal. We dropped by Little Tokyo to have lunch and took selfies with the Japanese lanterns. 

Then it was time to go home. There was so much to do in so little time and it was rush hour too. Stuck in traffic, we spent the time talking about mama while listening to her favourite songs. We planned for the service and talked about stuff. At home, we did the chores that piled up while she was caring for mama which includes her 1-month laundry pile and her groceries. I cooked chicken risotto with the brown rice I brought from NZ (Ronnel and the kids don't like brown rice.) while we waited for my aunt to arrive. She will be spending the night as we go to mortuary tomorrow to see mama for the last time. 

I think instead of time healing the pain, it numbs us from the pain. It has been four days now that mama has gone. We are still mourning but we don't cry as much and as loud as that day. We are now able to laugh and share stories about mama. We can talk about her quirks without shedding much tears. We can start planning on what to do next, on how my sister will be able to live her life with mama in her heart instead of by her side. We talked about how our experience with mama has changed our priorities in life. For me, how Ronnel and I plan to go to the Philippines as a family at least once a year without the frivolities. Instead of saving up for presents that we can bring every 3-year interval visits, we are investing them on the time we would like our children to spend with their grandparents. We know our families understand and will appreciate this more than any balikbayan box. Losing mama made us realise how important each moment we spend with our loved ones. I have too many regrets and I can only blame myself for procrastinating. So instead of dwelling in the past, I'd like to make sure I won't have the same regrets in the future.

Day 2
Goodbye mama, really...

Today we saw mama for the last time. We went to the mortuary where her body rests. It still feels very unreal. The place where she lies makes it as easy as possible. We had to go through the paperwork first and as much as we'd like to be detached from it all, it is impossible. Ticking a box whether we want her ashes shipped or picked up, reading the cremation process and filling out the death certificate were tasks my sister and I wouldn't have been able to go through without each other. Literally, as they need majority of the next of kin to authorise the process and emotionally, because it was just so hard. 

After that, it was time to meet mama. She laid there still and ashen, life drained out of her. She was cold and clammy. There was no doubt that she has left this world. My aunt, sister and I held her for the last time amidst tears of despair. But we also knew it was time to let go, because what we see now is only a vessel of who she was-- who she really is no longer here but with the Father in heaven. 

In the afternoon, we met with my uncles. We went to mama's favourite place - the beach. We recreated the poses mama made in photos. Regret washed over me as I heard mama's voice in the past telling me that in time, when they get their own home here in LA, we will visit as a family and she will tour us around the beaches, the malls, Hollywood and all the other famous places. I felt envious of my brother and sister who had the chance to go around these places with mama when she was still up and about. In my mind, all the "I should haves" and "if only's" are all I can think of. And I don't want to go through this again. It may be a knee-jerk reaction that we want to go to Philippines yearly and it might not be realistic but we will try our best to fulfil this promise.

Day 3
Sleep in day

I write this as my sister sleeps soundly on the other bed beside me. Yesterday was quite an overwhelming ordeal for us, especially for her because she has much more recent memories with mama in those places. It is a blessing that she stayed so strong all throughout. I had feared she'd have a panic attack or go through a spiral downward state. But she has pulled through. She stayed strong and I asked her what keeps her together and it's always been mama and her faith. Mama had strong faith and despite all the pain and suffering she went through, never did she blame God. She knew she would be delivered from this. It was never a question about religion. She has deep Catholic roots but solid Christian ties. It didn't and still doesn't matter. She loves Jesus and Jesus loves her.
I said I will be sharing her life lessons and I started but didn't follow through so here it is.
#2. Your God-given talents are not yours to keep, you have an obligation to use it and share it to the world. When I was young, Mama used to push me to try everything. It was so I can discover what I'm good at to hone that talent and be skilled with it. I never got that message clearly so I instead got annoyed with all the co-curriculum lessons she would send me to. I had Red Cross lessons, piano lessons, voice, speech, and all other classes for summer or after-school. It's the same for my siblings. My parents toiled and worked hard so we can attend these classes so that we find out what we're good at and turn that talent into a high level skill. I didn't follow through so I became a jack of all trades but master of none. It was too late when I realised this was the lesson she was teaching me. So whatever talent or semi-skill I have now, I'd like to share. I'd like to think I write good enough to share her story.
#3. Image may not be everything but it is something. Mama always looked her best in everything. She doesn't go out un-made up or looking like she just woke up. That's just not her style. The Cancer did not just take away her 'style', it also stripped her of her dignity. In the last stages, she didn't want people to visit her because she didn't want them to see her like this and feel sorry for her. She want to be remembered as the beautiful drool-worthy hot momma that she was. When I went back to work in from my last visit here, everyday at work I wore at least one piece of her clothing that I brought home from LA. Everyday, I got compliments from my colleagues on how I dressed. It got me thinking, "Did I really dress shabbily before?" Was this why I always felt that I had to prove my worth with my actions first before people saw how good I was? Then I remembered what mama said, that she knows her children are all precious gems but the world might not bother with these gems if we just looked like rocks. This was the best translation I can give. For a time back in college, I was deep into this lesson. I even told Ronnel that if we were going to be together, he needed to accept that I primp and I take ages to fix my hair, my clothes etc. A friend called me the "Jolina" of our class with my beaded hair, neon green top and short skirt with 3-inch heels. I followed the matching principle religiously. I would use mama's clothes and accessories all matched from head to toe. I became a little toned down when Ronnel and I fell in love. He was quite conservative so I toned down the colours but the quirkiness and the matching principle was still there. It further diminished when I had kids. I grew horizontally so it was easier to just wear shirts and sweats. Comfort and laziness took over the image and I think I became a rock again. When I saw mama, she reminded me to show the world how I am a gem in her eyes.
#4. There is more than one solution to a problem. The shortest route might not be the best one so exhaust all options. Mama never gave up in anything and everything. She would find a way in every challenge life throws at her. She has been duped by evil people before (one who is now in prison) and have been hurt by many. Her tough exterior is a product of years of self preservation. The life they had here in LA wasn't rosy. In fact, I think that the Cancer was the manifestation of the hardship. It hit her back in 2009 when things where stressful and again last year.
#5. If you want it hard enough, you will find ways to make it yours. If you didn't get it, try again, you're probably not giving your all yet. Mama used to give me flak for not being number 1 in school and I resented her for it. I thought this lesson was only for school, but she meant it to be for me to have the passion to get what I want. It's not about pushing everyone out of the way to get what I want. It is to focus on wanting what I want with a fervour that life has no choice but to give it to me. She only had 2 unfulfilled wishes left a week before she passed- one is to have her only sister come and see her and two- is for her daughter, my sister Len, to start a new and be OK here in LA. The first one, we were able to tell her that my aunt is on the way. There was a smile in her eyes when she found out. The rest of her face has already been devoid of expression due to the tumour in her brain.

I will end here for now. Len is still sleeping and my tummy is rumbling. Till our next class, students! 

Day 4
Preparing for Memorial Services 

Today we continue preparing for the Memorial Service tonight. Murphy's law strikes as the video file EJ's friend Maiquee prepared vanished from the application. She stayed up all night for that and in the final stages, an error message popped up. EJ and I were finalising our eulogies, as we sifted through Mama's personal notes, diary, photos and collections of thoughts, quotes and bible verses. Every note, every diary entry brought tears to our eyes making it doubly hard to write down our thoughts. I need to be strong for my sister and be the calm, logical big sister that I should be. And to do that, I need to draw my strength too. I FaceTimed with Ronnel. He has always been my rock, cliche but really - the wind beneath my wings. I read mama's diaries and found out the truth about what happened, how the cancer has progressed and spread -- how she had to drive herself to the hospital while bleeding profusely. I saw photos of her lumps in the early stages, the tumours, everything. And I asked my sister -- why, why did she not tell me this? Why did she keep all of these from us? What kind of daughter was I? There I was in NZ, focusing on my life while she was suffering. For a minute, I wallowed in guilt, regret and self pity. I needed Ronnel to tell me it was not my fault, that I shouldnt beat myself up, that I have tried to be the best daughter I can be. 

See you later at mama's service. There's still so much to do but I lift all of this to God. What is important is mama is happy now. She is at peace.

Christian Memorial Service for Emy de la Cruz
7:30 pm at Valley Praise Church Office
9659 Balboa Blvd, Northridge, California 91325

Day 5 Memorial Service(s)
My sister's eulogy for mama says it all for this day.

Transcript: Giving mom's eulogy is probably the hardest speech I'll ever make. I didn't even know where to start; I didn't know what to say. I agonized about it, I lost sleep, I bugged my sister to write one for me – which she refused but ended up editing and organizing my thoughts into this eulogy. Thank you, Ate Yeng. I don’t know which memory to pick from a million stories and experiences that my mom and I shared.

Do I tell you about how she was my stage mom from when I was a little girl? My mom taught me everything about looking good outside and inside. She was the make up queen, telling me to always look my best in any situation. She always told me (and my sister too), “Kahit bibili ka lang ng suka sa kanto, kailangan maganda ka, di mo alam kung sino makakasalubong mo.” In english "even if you're just buying vinegar at the store down the street, still try to look good, you never know who you'd bump into" Mama, here I am, looking my best on your special day. I wish I'd bump into you.

Do I tell you about how she was so stubborn? She called me ‘baby’ since I was little and it embarrassed me in high school that I begged her to stop. She tried. And I conceded and she called me baby until her last breath. Oh how I wish to hear your voice again, calling me baby, Mama.

Do I tell you about how she was my best friend? I had to switch schools frequently and friendships were hard to maintain but my mom was my only constant best friend. We stuck together through thick or thin. When my family separated – my dad went on his own, my brother lived by himself, my sister got married- it was my mom and me who stuck together. She only left my side when she had to go to the US. And even then, she did everything to get me here as fast as she could. Imagine, she was able to bring me over to the US in just two years. I can’t imagine what she went through those first two years to secure my status. That’s my mom, she would do everything for the people she loved.

Do I tell you about how she was often misunderstood? Even I, her baby, often misunderstood her words, her intentions. She was pretty feisty. She didn't mince words. She spoke her mind. And that usually put her in trouble. But it didn't drag her down as long as she could do everything for her loved ones, for me.

Do I tell you about when I finally got here and she had already built her life in San Francisco that just because I liked LA more, she uprooted, left everything there and moved here to start anew with me? For her, it didn’t matter where we were, as long as we were together. Now, we will always be together mama. We will always stay together. You will always be in my heart.

Do I tell you about how she pushed me, my siblings, her siblings, everyone she cared for, to be the best in everything? She wanted the best for the people she loved. And she never gave up on them, on us. Even when I made mistakes, made wrong decisions because of my immaturity and lack of experience, she stood by me and helped me stand up and be the strong person that I am now.

Do I tell you about how loving she was? That when she loved, she gave everything she had until nothing was left for her. She loved her family so much that she kept her pain and suffering from everyone until she couldn’t take it any longer. That when she loved, she thought of herself last. And always told us to be strong. “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is seen is eternal. – 2 Corinthians

Did I tell you about how she loved music? How she loved to sing? That she had a song for every mood, for every situation? Mama, remember our song, Let's Stay Together? “I love you whether times are good or bad, when I’m happy or sad…” I will always love you mama.

Do I tell you about her sense of humor? How she found laughter even in the direst situations? Even in her final days, she would joke about how she’d haunt me and my sister if we ever fought each other or if I go astray. And when I asked her what she would want to eat for her last meal, she said "Pad Thai, pa-tay na"

Do I tell you about how she had faith so strong that not even once did she question or blame God? Even when everyone told her to give up – she didn’t, she still had faith that a miracle would happen. This morning, we were going through her diary, and found not even a single line of doubt or questioning God’s will. Instead, she wrote “God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand His wisdom but we simply have to trust His will. “ Even at the pinnacle of pain and suffering, she remained steadfast, that His will be done because “The Lord is my shepherd… Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. – Psalm 23

I think I’ve told you as much as I could so I’d like to end this by thanking the people who’ve made her last days with us as comfortable as possible. To the staff of the Tarzana Health & Rehab Center – thank you. That facility had been my home for a time – I ate, slept and lived my life there with mama for the past two months. Thank you to Sky Hospice for making mama’s wishes come true, for arranging the letter to the embassy—because of that, my mom’s last wish to have my aunt see her has come true. And even after her passing, it is still because of Sky hospice that we are worry-free on cremation arrangements. Thank you to everyone who reached out to us and helped us raise funds, those who donated and helped us through these difficult times. 

Thank you to the friends and best friends of my mom who stood by her, who gave in to her wish to see the beach, who brought her favorite dishes and who made her smile through the pain. Thank you to my mom's bible study group who shared the faith with her and continued to pray for her. Thank you to Pastor Paul, to the fortified young adults and cross culture who have become my second family. Thank you Tito Ernie, for being there for my mom and me, the numerous times you drove us everywhere – you have sacrificed so much for us. Thank you to my family here and across the miles – to my lola, my uncles, aunts, family who travelled to be here – especially auntie nini. We finally made her wish come true. Thank you, Papa and Kuya Jan, I can always feel your love across the miles. And thank you Ate Yeng, I know mama is smiling up there in heaven as she looks down on how she made us really bond as sisters. Mama, we smile because you are now at peace, His will has been done and you have been delivered from all the pain and suffering. We weep now because of the void you have left but we will fill it with the memories you have left behind.

I will end with a line that she left in her diary,
“One thing that I am very thankful for is having a good family and friends who take care of me. I am happy. I have lived a life full of love.”

http://youtu.be/OrkuD3bIKyE 

Click youtube link to view.

And here is my eulogy:

I am Einge Rodriguez, Emy's eldest daughter from the 3 children she left behind. My brother Jan is in the Philippines with my dad, helping my dad who is recovering from the stroke he had last year.  This year and the last were the hardest for our family.  Emy left behind 3 grandchildren, Aqui, Ia and Axle, who are currently in New Zealand with my husband Ronnel. I speak not only for myself but for them and for all the loved ones who are feeling the loss of my mother, a grandma, a sister, a cousin, a friend.

I was thinking of a word to describe mama and I couldn't think of a better word than this - fighter. Mama was a fighter.  She didnt give up. Everyone who knew her, especially those who were the closest to her, knew how determined she was.  She didnt take things lying down, didnt just roll with the punches. She got up,and fought with everything she had.  She fought with everything she had in the greatest battle of her life. And we rallied against her - we fought with her, we cheered her on, we stuck by her. She fought for the things she loved-- and she loved life. She loved life and living it to the fullest.   Even when the bell rung and everybody told her that the fight was over, she didn’t give up.

 She trudged on and fought with all her might and focused on the present.  She focused on the people she loved, the people that she will, have left behind.  She made sure she kept her promises to them. She also thought of the people whose promises she couldn't keep and even in the last moments, asking forgiveness from them.

I wondered where she got her fighting spirit.  Yesterday morning, as my sister and I went through her writings, I saw why and how.  I saw how she lived her life.  She kept all the pain and suffering and bore them on her own.  She didnt want her loved ones to feel her pain, she only showed us the good times so that we wouldnt worry.  It was only when she couldnt hide e pain anymore was she only able to share it with us but even then she had a smile on her face. She smiled through her pain.  And i kept wondering how she was able to endure everything. How was she able to drive herself to the emergency room amidst all the pain and bleeding? How was she able to endure the chemo and radiation and even go to work while still reeling with the side effects?  How was she able to smile and even joke about her pain, even when the Cancer stripped her of her dignity.and it was because she drew strength from two things  --- faith and love.  Her faith in God, that these things happen for a reason. That she is being used as an instrument to send a message. 

And that message, we got loud and clear, mama.  The message is love – which is also the second source of your strength.  Your love for us pushed you to be strong and endure everything that has happened on your own.  You had so much love in you that we cannot help but bask in it.    We wear your favourite colours as a symbol of your message mama. We wear white to inspire us to have the same faith and trust in the Lord, that this – all of this pain, the loss  we feel now, the challenges we will face in the future – it’s nothing when we have God in our hearts.  We wear red as it shows the unconditional love you have given us, a love that asks nothing for return, a love only a mother can give to a daughter, a love so pure and everlasting that even when you’re gone, I know that I am loved.

Mama fought for the people she loved. And for that, she is a winner in this fight. Mama, I know you are enjoying your trophy up there along with other great fighters like you. We will continue the fight in our daily lives so look upon us and cheer us on. We love you.

Don’t worry Mama. We are all ok here. You made sure EJ is in good hands with me looking after her across the miles, and with her extended family here as well as her church family -- she will be ok.  Smile down on us mama. We will keep the faith and love burning -until we meet again. 

  

-------
And this is my eulogy:

I am Einge Rodriguez, Emy's eldest daughter amongst the 3 children she left behind. My brother Jan is in the Philippines with my dad, helping my dad who is recovering from the stroke he had last year. This year and the last were the hardest for our family. Emy left behind 3 grandchildren, Aqui, Ia and Axle, who are currently in New Zealand with my husband Ronnel. I speak not only for myself but for them and for all the loved ones who are feeling the loss of my mother, a grandma, a sister, a cousin, a friend.

I was thinking of a word to describe mama and I couldn't think of a better word than this - fighter. Mama was a fighter. She didnt give up. Everyone who knew her, especially those who were the closest to her, knew how determined she was. She didnt take things lying down, didnt just roll with the punches. She got up,and fought with everything she had. She fought with everything she had in the greatest battle of her life. And we rallied with her - we fought beside her, we cheered her on, we stuck by her. She fought for the things she loved-- and she loved life. She loved life and living it to the fullest. Even when the bell rung and everybody told her that the fight was over, she didn’t give up.

She trudged on and fought with all her might and focused on the present. She focused on the people she loved, the people that she will, have left behind. She made sure she kept her promises to them. She also thought of the people whose promises she couldn't keep and even in the last moments, asking forgiveness from them.

I wondered where she got her fighting spirit. Yesterday morning, as my sister and I went through her writings, I saw why and how. I saw how she lived her life. She kept all the pain and suffering and bore them on her own. She didnt want her loved ones to feel her pain, she only showed us the good times so that we wouldnt worry. It was only when she couldnt hide the pain anymore was she only able to share it with us but even then she had a smile on her face. She smiled through her pain. And I kept wondering how she was able to endure everything. How was she able to drive herself to the emergency room amidst all the pain and bleeding? How was she able to endure the chemo and radiation and even go to work while still reeling from the side effects? How was she able to smile and even joke about her pain, even when the Cancer stripped her of her dignity? It was because she drew strength from two things --- faith and love. Her faith in God, that these things happen for a reason. That she is being used as an instrument to send a message.

And that message, we got loud and clear, mama. The message is love – which is also the second source of your strength. Your love for us pushed you to be strong and endure everything that has happened on your own. You had so much love in you that we cannot help but bask in it. We wear your favourite colours as a symbol of your message mama. We wear white to inspire us to have the same faith and trust in the Lord, that this – all of this pain, the loss we feel now, the challenges we will face in the future – it’s nothing when we have God in our hearts. We wear red as it shows the unconditional love you have given us, a love that asks nothing for return, a love only a mother can give to her child, a love so pure and everlasting that even when you’re gone, I know that I am loved.

Mama fought for the people she loved. And for that, she is a winner in this fight. Mama, I know you are enjoying your trophy up there along with other great fighters like you. We will continue the fight in our daily lives so look upon us and cheer us on. We love you.

Don’t worry Mama. We are all ok here. You made sure EJ is in good hands with me looking after her across the miles, and with her extended family here as well as her church family -- she will be ok. Smile down on us mama. We will keep the faith and love burning -until we meet again.