For the
next five days, I am part of a leadership programme run by University of Otago
in Dunedin. What this means is I am away from my family for five days.
What this really means is that Ronnel’s parenting skills will be pushed
to the limit by our three energetic children. I am not worried though.
Ronnel has proved himself more than sufficient in a longer period and in an
even more stressful time last February when I had to go to LA for Mama’s
funeral. So I am not that concerned about the state of our household
while I’m away. Still, there was that niggling feeling that made me
uneasy when I got accepted in this programme. So last week, I had a good
talk with Ronnel. It was really just about me worrying if it was ok to
pursue the next level in my career. Because really, being a mother of
three under 5 meant with a busy household, would I have the energy and time to
go further? Logically, I shouldn’t feel guilty, I should feel all 'woman
empowerment' in me to go ahead but practically, it means less home time. I told
Ronnel, I can actually just not pursue this, that I am okay just being where I
am. No stress, just do my job from 8 til 5 and start my other job as a
homemaker. My husband’s reply was “I am not okay with you just being okay.
I want you to be happy.” And so I go on saying I am happy. I am
happy being a wife to him and a mother to Aqui, Ia and Axle. His
response? “I know you’re happy. But I know you too.” And that’s true, Ronnel
knows me too well. Being together for almost two decades, there is nothing to
hide from each other. He knew and loved me for being the driven girl that
I was when I was 17 and that hasn’t changed despite the weight gain. At
the end of the day, he says, we are in this together. It wasn’t me and him, it
was us. And that’s why I love this man so much.
This
brings me back to our first year of marriage, and the first big marital
decision we made. At that time, Ronnel was a junior programmer while I
was a project manager at the same company. Both of us were at a point in
our careers when we were looking for opportunities elsewhere because we didn’t
get the satisfaction we expected from the company then. The tipping point was
when due to stressful overtime periods, Ronnel had swollen lymph nodes which
had to be treated — and the company didn’t cover the cost. I had a senior
pm role offer from another bank and he got an offer to work in Malaysia.
So it was either he stays and looks for a job locally while I take the
offer or I go to Malaysia with him. There was never an option of us
separating, and when I mentioned it, he asked me what was the point of getting
married if we were going to separate anyway? So we prayed hard and made the
decision to do the latter. I remember we went to Nuestra Señora church
when we had made that decision. There was something about the priest’s sermon.
I don’t remember what it was but I remember how we felt it was THE sign. And it
was the start of great things to come. It wasn’t easy though.
Ronnel had that accident and it was the lowest of the low for us but we
survived that. One day, a colleague of mine mentioned he was looking for
overseas work as Malaysian permanent residency was quite hard to attain.
So I asked Ronnel to try looking as well. With his skills and experience
in IT, it was not a surprise for him to get good responses. New Zealand was
just the first and fastest to respond. And so, true to our vows, we stuck
together. And that decision has never failed us.
I
always wondered where this ‘drive’ came from. I think it is from my parents,
even more from my mother. She always pushed us - my dad, my siblings and
me. She always said, “the talent that was given to you is not yours to
keep, it’s something you need to hone and let others experience. Keep it, hide
it and God will take it away.” Then she follows this up with the parable of the
talents (Matthew 25:14–30). Years of drilling that into
our heads, seeing it with my own eyes as Mama set up companies here and there
to achieve her dreams (it wasn’t always successful but she stood up each time
and started all over again) and one day, I was just like that. This is
probably why my sister isn't ready to give up the life she and Mama had started
in LA, despite all the challenges. But I am neither jaded nor am I
looking at this with rose-coloured glasses. I also saw with my own eyes how too
much of that drive can lead you astray. I also saw first hand how a
marriage can slowly crumble with that. How you can drown in debt when trying to
get to your dream in haste. I am blessed to have Ronnel as my anchor, to
pull me back when I go too far. He sets me straight before I go feral with
ambition. He reminds me about what really matters. He is my conscience, my
personal Safeguard commercial so that we are able to make decisions
consciously, conscientiously and definitely not alone. We seek counsel.
We pray.
Having
three kids is not easy. It is double-standard because it is the woman who bears
(more of) the brunt of this. I remember when I was back from my parental
leave with Ia (our second), I would be in tears at work because I felt that I
was left behind. The skills that I had were parked for a while and became rusty
which meant I had to work harder to catch up. My colleagues who were at
the same level a year before were now in roles that I could have applied for.
It was frustrating. And my mood swings were bad, probably caused by
hormones and swinging levels of breastmilk supply. But after a while, I got my
game back but even so, the opportunities were no longer there. With
Axle, the timing was a bit off too because I just started my new work.
Ronnel manned up and said he will take half of the parental leave share.
I only took three months off and Ronnel became an at-home dad for the
following three months. Can I say again how much I love this man?
The
great thing about New Zealand employment is that qualifications are secondary.
I do not have a Master's Degree let alone a Doctorate and it didn’t
matter. Because the results mattered more. Of course it helped a
lot if you had people (and bosses) who believed in you. And in my whole career
life, I was blessed with good bosses who believed in me. In NZ, it is okay to
stretch the limits of your job description to pursue career advancement. It
means do more for the same pay at your initiative and see where it leads you. I
just did the same this time- I saw the leadership programme on the intranet,
applied for it and got accepted. Just like joining all those competitions and I
won stuff. Do you think I win at every raffle I join? Of course not. I just
took chances and so far, it has lead me to more opportunities. It might get me
somewhere or nowhere but I would never know if I hadn't tried - or if Ronnel
didn't encourage me to try. That's why it was so important for me that he
is ok with this because searching and trying takes time and effort, not to
mention the risk of failure. And I have failed many times before but I just
didn't take them as failures, just a bit of setback from the goal. If we
were in the Philippines, a way to advance is to get qualifications. There is a
clear advancement path in the Philippines. Here, it is all on you. If you
want to advance, you have to be on the look out for opportunities. You have to
apply for the role. But it also means that you are limited to the opportunities
presented to you. If there is no vacancy for the role you want, then there is
no choice but to look elsewhere. There is no such thing as 'getting promoted'.
In the Philippines, I could have stayed in the same role and rise in rank
(Assistant Manager, Manager, Senior Manager, Assistant Vice President, VP, SVP,
EVP). In fact, that was my father’s career path. He rose from the ranks after
years of hard work and loyalty. It stops at EVP because you need a certain
bloodline to get to the next level. When I was little, I wanted to go
that path because it was the only path I knew. Working overseas really
opened my world. Ronnel and I are both ‘iskos’ and in UP, they instil in
you that national responsibility - to give back to your country. So
really, leaving the Philippines wasn’t in our plans. But I think we have given
back so much more now than if we stayed. If the disappointments we had
back then in our old workplace didn’t happen, we would probably be still with
the company. So maybe that somehow explains the Philippine diaspora, or
maybe just ours. Also, career moves don't always equate to more money,
more power. I'm picking Jessie J over Jerry Maguire when I say 'It's not about
the money.' It boils down to what matters to you most.
One
thing Ronnel and I have in common is that we are very loyal. We stick to
one. Ronnel is still with the company he’s been working with ever since
we came here. He is treated well. He is happy. He has no reason to leave now.
I left my old company here in NZ not because they didn’t take care of me
— they did. But I just felt I wanted to do something more, something different.
Maybe one day, when this fire in me has died down, I will go back there, who
knows? I haven’t burned my bridges. In fact, I am still a part of a club that
meets there regularly. And it brings music to my ears meeting
ex-colleagues who wish I was back there. Or maybe they’re just saying it to be
polite :-) So here I am in a totally different industry, a public servant and
learning many new things. My hunger to learn and be the best that I can
be is insatiable at the moment and Ronnel feels that. The great thing is, he
gets it. He lets me fly. So I am flying (literally because I am writing this
during my flight and figuratively of course), and Ronnel is the wind beneath my
wings.
