Honouring Tatay

When death takes away a loved one, your whole world stops. Our world stopped. We re-prioritised. We revalued. Re-evaluated. The problem is even when our world stopped, the world around us hasn't. Work piled up. Amortisation. School activities. Kindergarten. Community activities. Life. 

I wish there was a pause button where we could properly grieve and heal. But life doesn't work that way. It goes on and one of the greatest fears we have is that when life takes over, we forget that we've lost a loved one. Ronnel shared this with me and this was one of the fears I had when I lost mama. Only now he articulated it so well that I remember why I started wearing bright red lipstick then. Why I wore her clothes. Why I couldn't give away her belongings. Because I was afraid that with time passing and life's business, I will forget mama. When I heard Ronnel say that I realised how impossible my fears were then, impossible but real. It is impossible to forget a loved one, as there's that gaping hole in our heart. You can't see that hole but it's very real. Every pinch we feel when we hear their favourite song or read their favourite verse reminds us of that hole. But I know this feeling, the fear of smiling too soon, of laughing too soon, of living too soon.

I have no answer for Ronnel for this. I can only support him through this process. It's doubly hard for him because he had no time to prepare. With mama, I had a few months. Ronnel had only a few days. And some of those days I even took away. I pray that he forgives me. I would have made different choices if I knew then what I know now. But life also doesn’t have a rewind button. We cannot change the past but we can change the future. We make tequila out of lemons. We look at the time we have and heal as much as we can in whatever way we can. 

One way to heal is to honour. Yesterday was the 40th day since Tatay left this world. In Filipino Catholic tradition, we celebrate the 40th day to mark the soul's entry to heaven. There are no strong biblical origins of this tradition but it is a venue for the family to pray and come together once more to honour a loved one's passing. As we are far away, we had our own small gathering of five and prayed the novena with a makeshift altar for Tatay.

I’d like to honour Tatay by sharing the lessons I’ve learned from his life. I did this with mama too and hope that in this way, it can cover that hole in our hearts a bit.  Here are the top 5 lessons from Tatay.

Lesson 1. It's never too late. Tatay's first few years building his family with nanay wasn't the best. This was the stereotype family with a couple who married young and still finding themselves and in those early years, Tatay lost his way. He knew that. He said that several times and used that history in his talks in the church and community. But that wasn't the crux, it was the change in him that was more important than anything else. And his change wasn't overnight. It was a long gradual process and there may still be remnants of his old life but who he is in the last 20 years of his life was no way near the former twenty. So it's never too late. A little change can go a long way. 

Lesson 2. Give your best and God will do the rest. I'm paraphrasing this from Joma's sharing / eulogy. Joma, my brother-in-law and Tatay's youngest son, shared one advice Tatay told him in one of their father-son sessions. Tatay told him that when he is confronted with an adversary, use whatever is around you, get the biggest rock you can find and give it your best shot. Father and son are not violent so this was a metaphor for using the resources around and giving your best to accomplish any task at hand. Mediocrity is not an option. 

Lesson 3. Go through the stages. I talked about this in my previous post when Tatay shared his process of acceptance. He knew early on that there was something wrong, and that things could go for the worst. Tatay never said it was easy but it was easier because he went through the process stage by stage until he's accepted and surrendered everything to God. In life, there are times when we get the wind knocked out of us and we feel lost. Tatay has taught me that the best way to face these things is to do it at your own pace, in stages, bit by bit. Just like how you eat an elephant, a bite after another.

Lesson 4. Love and show it while you can, every way and every time you can.  I've always seen Tatay express his love in different ways. I don't know if he's been using the language of love but it feels like he's been matching his expression with the language of the recipient. With Nanay, he's always been affectionate. His language and manner speaks loudly "I am proud to be her husband. She is the love of my life.” You can see this in his FB posts and the endearing manner with how he treats Nanay. It is not all rosy though, especially when the sickness hit. He became irritable and short-tempered but even during those days he recognised this and asked Nanay to be more patient with him. Nanay, ever as admirable, replied “If I was patient with you then even without your sickness, how more so now when I know you’re hurting?”  With his grandchildren, he showered them with affection and gifts — it didn’t matter how big or small.  Aqui still remembers her mini-store built by his Lolo. How creative is that?  Even I, as an in-law felt so much love from Tatay every time I was there. I never felt like an outsider.  And when it was time to leave for NZ, he would fill our luggage with things he knew I needed and wanted, even before I knew it.  I would be surprised with how much he’s given me before I even ask.

Lesson 5. Follow your heart. Do what makes you happy. This is a dilemma because there are times that what makes you happy can hurt others so take this lesson with caveats.  With Tatay, happiness for him is seeing his loved ones happy and serving God.  The trick is to balance these two because there are only 24 hours a day and serving God, evangelising, counselling others and building the church takes time away from family.  Ronnel was affected most by this and he shared this in his eulogy in the church. But this was what made Tatay happy and he accepted that. I admired my husband’s courage in sharing this in front of all, inside the church where Tatay has served.  But it is true. The time taken away by service is time we cannot take back and there is that balance we need to hold because at the end of it all, it will be family that will matter the most.  Even in his last days, Tatay thought most of his family. When he was being brought to the hospital and could barely speak, he kept on saying the name of a restaurant, telling everyone to eat there. Ronnel promised him we would all eat together after he’s left the hospital. Unfortunately, we couldn’t keep the promise to eat there with him but we still went out and ate there as a family.

I know there are so much more lessons to share from Tatay’s life. Family and friends, add more here if you have any to share. 

I guess what’s more important than the lessons is how we live them in our lives.  Ronnel is still grieving and healing, and the pain is still raw in this 40th day and as we celebrate Tatay’s 60th birthday tomorrow. So much have changed in our family despite the world moving around us. We’ve re-prioritised. Previously, our aim was to clear our mortgage when we turn 40. That’s down the drain now.  That triangle of knowing God, serving others and serving your family — we’re tipping over to serving family first.  We know how it feels as children to be not the priority in your family and we do not want our children to feel that at all. By serving my family, I know I am serving God. Today, I have a sick household - husband and 3 children in a myriad of symptoms that may be caused by the flu virus or a tummy bug. They’re all in bed covered in thick blankets which gave me this quiet time to write. I know there is work that has piled up and I am grateful for a workplace that understands. For now, family comes first. There will come a time when our children will have their own lives, hopefully in service of others and God and by that time, we can tip the pendulum to swing to the other side. There is no right or wrong choice to this. We admire people who devote their lives in service of others, that is what makes them happy.  For us, this is what makes us happy.

Coming Home

Clueless

We had a good start.  This year’s vacation was supposed to be just our usual family holiday where we spend a few weeks with family and friends in the Philippines. We do this every 2-3 years, after we’ve saved up enough money and annual leave.  We wanted to go home Christmas time but the off-peak fares were too tempting to pass up. It also turned out great as it would mean we could hold a double birthday party for Axle and his cousin Yanna as they turn three on July.  Part of that was visiting the happiest place in South East Asia— Disneyland.  And so we did. We spent the first week celebrating Axle and Yanna’s birthday up to our Disneyland trip. But that was it. It was downhill after that.

We were on our second day in Hong Kong when my father-in-law was brought to the hospital. The findings were still unclear but initial assessment was cirrhosis of the liver.  Tatay was a heavy drinker and smoker during his younger years but stopped his vices almost thirty years since then. The first diagnosis was still devastating but would have still been manageable giving him at least five years with us.  He was released from the hospital and was at home when we arrived from HK. It gave us a chance to spend some time with him. My last meaningful conversation with him was while he was sitting on the steps and he told me about the emotional and spiritual stages he’s gone through with his illness.  He said he’s gone through the first three stages - Denial - Anger - Acceptance and now in the fourth stage, Bargaining with the Lord, and hoping to move on to the last stage - Healing.  Tatay said it wasn’t easy to move through the first stages but he has come to terms with the reckoning of his past life.  At that time, he said there are only two things he’s been bargaining for with God: 1) to be reassured that he brought up his sons right and 2) to feel no pain when the time comes.  Having this conversation with him felt weird for me, as it was the first time we talked about something like this.  Our usual conversations were about our life in New Zealand, the grandchildren, his love life with Nanay and stories about Ronnel.  It was the first time he talked about how he knew Ronnel had been angry with him, having witnessed his previous sinful life while growing up. I told Tatay that Ronnel no longer has any of that anger in his heart and that the reason we come home as frequently as we can afford is for our children to know their grandparents more.  It never occurred to me that it will be our last, he was still so strong and young in my eyes.  I told him that there was no need to ask for #1. He had raised his sons well. His grandchildren are testament to this. The past few days of how the three brothers gave everything they could to find the best diagnosis, and how they’ve banded together for the family are just a few things confirming this.  I wish I told him more: that Ronnel is so much like him, that looking at him and how his eyes shone with love for his family was like looking at his son. When there are things Ronnel do or say that I don’t understand, I sometimes would think, “What would Nanay do in this situation?”  I would recall the talks Nanay and I had when we come home.  I wish I told Tatay this, that his son is so much like him.  That was the day before Aqui and I went to Bicol.  I was determined to make the most of our stay in the Philippines, also trying to spend time with my side of the family. My sister is home from LA and we were adamant to find out how Papa is holding out since the two strokes he’s had last year.  My grandmother is also unwell with early onset of Alzheimer’s and I took the opportunity to visit her with Aqui in Bicol. I was heartbroken when she couldn’t remember Aqui’s name. And so because I had to leave Ia and Axle with Ronnel, he didn’t have the chance to be at the hospital with Tatay when he was brought in on Monday.  I was only able to relieve Ronnel of his daddy duties on Thursday. By then, Tatay’s condition has worsened. Another potential cause has been identified — an aggressive form of cancer, targeting the liver, spreading to the kidney and lungs. Luckily, Ronnel was still able to talk to Tatay before he was intubated with respiratory support.  I brought the kids with me to spend time with my side of the family, with the kids not being allowed in the hospital.  Friday was even worse. I still couldn’t believe things were happening so fast. Ronnel urged me to visit the hospital before it was too late. We all went to the Lung Centre of the Philippines with the kids and my dad and sister waiting in the lobby.  It was too risky for my dad and the kids to go inside and be exposed to all kinds of diseases in the centre.  When I entered Tatay’s room, I couldn’t believe my eyes.  He had the look my mother had on her last few days. Only then it registered. This really could be it.  I reminded him of our ‘talk’ just last week and that he was still supposed to go to the fifth stage. I told him how his grandchildren love him so much, as do we.  I felt he was no longer responsive and his complexion sallow, with the rise of his chest controlled only by the respirator.  The room was full of people who love him — all of his sons were there, they’d been sleeping in the room with him with my mother-in-law and other family members.  Raw emotion overcame me as it dawned on me that this was it. Tatay’s blood pressure was continuously dropping and the family was now being asked whether they’d like to further up the dosage of the drugs.  This was the hardest decision to make and I was in awe of the strength that Nanay had as she drew her sons together and prayed, lifting this decision to the Lord.  

At 3:30 that Friday, Tatay went home to his Maker.

Words are not enough to describe the searing pain the whole family felt with this loss.  The wailing. The tears. The shock and disbelief.  But it was not the end. When death comes unexpectedly, just as in Thessalonians telling us the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night, it robs us not just of things that are precious to us but also rational thinking.  That is why the support of the extended family, relatives, friends and neighbours has been tremendous.  Everyone used their own gifts, talents and networks to help with legal arrangements, financial obligations and everything else necessary to bring Tatay’s earthly body to his resting place. The following days were overwhelming as hundreds came to mourn with the family.  Death may have taken Tatay away from us but it also brought everyone together.  Nanay has been saying how overwhelmed she is with the number of people crying with her. Usually, it’s only family or close friends who cry with you for the loss but we discovered how many people Tatay has touched in his years walking this earth, leaving an invisible painful wound as he moved on.  Tales of how Tatay served and offered his life to the church, lending a helping hand to neighbours and strangers came pouring in.  We had to transfer his body for the last wake night to our town’s parish because the chapel couldn’t accommodate the people from Church who would like to honour him with a tribute for the last time.  Tatay continued to surprise us as people shared stories of how he lived his life for others and for God.  One priest, who was also a close friend of Tatay, said that as priests, they know they shouldn’t be sad about death as it’s the ultimate destination for everyone and it is a happy occasion going home to our creator. But this death was different as he was deeply saddened and he felt the loss immensely, that it was hard to say goodbye too soon.

Our Final Farewell

With the wake came mourners— family, friends, neighbours, acquaintances and even strangers— and with that came questions, advice, opinions and other words of concern for the family.  We all know these came from the heart, asking with genuine concern what has happened and it may be cathartic for the family to talk about what has happened over and over again but talking about it every time is also taking away inch by inch our strength within.  This is also the same reason I am writing about this now.  My husband and I are not yet ready to talk about it yet without losing our composure.  Please do not talk to us about it just yet — and if I direct you to this post, please do not get offended.  I hope this post answers questions like “Didn’t you know he was sick? Why was he brought to the hospital too late?  Did you go home to the Philippines because you knew he was already sick? Why was it too fast? How is the family? How are you holding up?” I know these questions are all well meaning and come from genuine concern and so I am also answering them from my heart.  Nobody expected this… and even when we were told about how ill he was, it was only a few days before his death.  Tatay was the kind of person who would never neglect his health, he was taking meds for every ailment he was diagnosed with and there were not many. He ate well and lived clean for the last twenty years.  Neighbours talked about how Tatay would bike around the block every morning having a chat here and there, sharing their coffee and stories. The type of cancer that took him away from us was a silent killer, attacking the liver going through the other organs first so it was hard to detect, and when it was detected, it was too late.  I suppose Tatay got what he was bargaining for — to feel no pain when the time comes.  We saw him intubated and supported by technology and it felt like he was suffering but I believe that he was devoid of pain, that when his heart stopped, he was already at peace.  Unlike us who have been robbed, Tatay was fully prepared, he was fully awake and not in the darkness and so that day didn’t overtake him like a thief.  The family is coping. I have no doubt that Nanay will be well looked after by the people around her. Her youngest son lives with her, her other son and his young family, only two houses away and her mother, siblings and extended family a few blocks away.  They never left her side.  This is the bane that Ronnel and I suffer by choosing to live overseas but with the advent of technology, we should be able to still be there for her.  When I told Aqui, Ia and Axle that their Lolo has gone to heaven, Aqui cried out loud, wailing and asking me why God took her Lolo so soon, why God took her Grandma first, then her great grandfather and now her grandfather before she even had enough time to spend with them.  She hasn’t even said goodbye properly to Lolo, she said.   I didn’t have an answer and could only cry with her.  Ia and Axle are too young to grasp the concept of death but they knew that their Lolo was sleeping in the special golden spaceship travelling to heaven.  I was surprised when Ia started crying during the burial as the coffin was being brought down gradually towards the earth.  I hugged her and she said, “I am only crying today because I know this is the last time I will see Lolo.”  I guess she knew what death means after all. 

Life Goes On

After Aqui has calmed down from the news that her Lolo has gone, she asked me – are my remaining grandparents healthy? Will they go to heaven soon too?  I do not know God’s plans so I didn’t answer the last question. I too, thought, that Tatay was still too healthy to be taken so soon and I share her fear, as my dad’s health is also questionable.  I told Aqui to share her worries with them and so she did.  I heard Aqui tell my dad to be healthy, to make sure to remove the poison inside his body because she doesn’t want to lose Grandpa. I believe she did the same with Nanay.

The last five days were spent mostly at home, recovering from the flurry of physical, mental and emotional rollercoaster we were in the past few days.  All these could catch up to us.  Axle woke up on Thursday with a bloodied nose probably from the heat and fatigue from the previous week.  The typhoon has forced us to stay indoors but we were able to go out and enjoy the malls. Aqui her fill of Jollibee chicken joy, Ia exhausted herself in Timezone and Axle has had all the bottomless iced tea his little body could take. 

The day of our flight coincided with two occasions, Andrei’s (Ronnel’s younger brother) birthday and Tatay’s 9^th day and so we were enveloped with family and friends not only praying for Tatay but also praying for our safe travel.  Every time we leave the Philippines, we feel heavy-hearted as we leave behind our family and friends whom we will miss dearly. This time around as we leave, we are consoled by the fact that we haven’t left Tatay behind, as he will always be in our hearts.

We will miss you Tatay.

Our last photos with you....

Last Day in the Philippines

Our Seven Days with Mama

This post is a collection of the posts that I’ve shared in FaceBook to chronicle the 7-day trip we took to visit my mother who is suffering from metastatic breast cancer. It has now spread to the bones, liver and brain.  This is quite different from the usual posts I share in this blog but it shares the same message — family.
www.gofundme.com/support4emy  (A fundraising site for Emy de la Cruz)

Day Zero

One Week in LA
Photo of the Day: Aqui and Ia waiting for the little plane

  

So this trip is unplanned. On Christmas Day, my sister, my mum and I were in FaceTime crying over how sad this Christmas was. They spent Christmas in the hospital and moved to a nursing facility. She has started on the path of acceptance that this might be her last Christmas and New Years. Originally I planned to visit in April when the fares are low and Ronnel has settled back in at work from his parental leave. I could see how weak she was and how the cancer has taken control of her body. I changed my plans and looked at visiting her sooner. She also said she wanted to see a grandchild. I asked her who- Aqui, Ia or Axle- and it was a hard choice. So Ronnel just said we should just all go and worry about money later. We will earn the money later but the joy that we could bring my mother cannot be measured by money. So we threw caution to the wind - well not that much, We still had some left as we looked for the cheapest fares possible and called in favours for transport to the airport to save money. My friend Tin became my 'logical brain' as she gave me tips and even stuff that I'm likely to need like TSA locks and a travel pillow. Ronnel doesn't like relying on other people because he doesn't want to be a bother to them. This time he gave in because he knew we needed every help we can get. There was little time to pack. I just threw in a bunch of clothing for the whole family and some goods from my stock cupboard. Days like these I'm glad I stock for an apocalypse. I wasn't my usual analytical logical checklist self. I just packed by heart through tear-drenched eyes. 

Now comes the fun. Travelling with three kids is a test on your creativity. We didn't want to make this a dreaded trip for the girls so there is a promise of a special reward on New Years if they behave. When the appeal of a reward wore off, I switched to scare tactics. I told them that I was given an option to leave a child with the plane pilot and that was more effective. Every time there was an announcement from the cabin, my girls were in their best behaviour. My girls are in a "drawing" phase / craze so it was good that AirNZ had kid art packs to make them busy. The movies helped a lot too. We can't do much about the sleeping arrangements but it was still good as we sat on together and we were given a bassinet for axle too. Baby Axle amazes me more and more on how chill he is (compared to her big sisters). He is the only baby who slept in the bassinet on the plane. Aqui and Ia never slept in the bassinet even when we were given one on our trips back to the Philippines. Even the people seating across the aisle couldn't help but say how Axle was so good at everything- he ate well and slept through the night, wasn't fussy at all and was generally a happy baby throughout the flight. A flight attendant was enamoured with him and cuddled him every time she passed by our row. Another old lady was taking a video of him bouncing on Ronnel's lap. Axle is a very chill and happy baby.

One Week in LA: Day 1
29 December 2014

Photo of the day: Mama meets Aqui for the first time.

Arrived LAX at around 10:05 am which was earlier than the scheduled arrival but took a long time to claim our bags because they weren't there immediately.

We've been blessed travelling with kids because you get to go on express lanes, bypassing the long queues.

We also met a kababayan, Mr Cruz who was the customs officer looking at our passports. He even gave the girls Mickey Mouse stamps as souvenirs of their first visit

Exhausted and hungry, we grabbed a quick bite from In and Out, my sister tells me this is a popular pseudo natural fast food joint in LA. True enough the queues were long.

Logistics wise, we are very blessed to have good people surround my sister and mother. We were lent a baby capsule (thank you to EJ's friends at church and a van (again thank you Tito Ernie). And of course, my mother's landlord, the Bumacod family, for being so hospitable and allowed us to stay in my mum's room during our stay here. Thank you for putting up with the noise that my kids generate and for the care that you've continuously shown my family. 

The first meeting with my mum (after almost ten years for me and Ronnel and first time since birth for my kids) was bittersweet. I love that we are here with her but it's heartbreaking to see her like this.

Because of the tumour on her right frontal lobe, the left side of her body is paralysed. She is unable to move and is highly dependent on people around her. This must be very challenging for her knowing how independent and strong she is - this cancer taking control of her life is evil.

I could see Aqui, my 5 year old, processing In her young brain, the things she is seeing here and what's happening around her. She knew her grandmother was sick and she probably had her own preparation in her mind since we did FaceTime chats and we talked about it extensively at home. But nothing compares to witnessing it with her own innocent eyes. She was pensive for quite some time and wary about her surroundings. She did the usual 'Mano po' but surprised us all with a very gentle hug to grandma. I asked her why didnt she give her usual big tight hug, she said grandma might get hurt. This is one of the proudest moments as a mother. Knowing that my daughter has empathy and compassion is better than finding out she aced her writing exercises. When my mother and I were crying, my girls Aqui and Ia ran to us, asking if we were hurt and where does it hurt while patting our backs and hugging us. 

My mother is in a nursing facility and she shares a room with two other patients. The nurse to patient ratio looks like 1 is to 10 but it feels more like 1:100. I am very thankful for the nurses and caregivers in the facility. This is government funded and they only can do so much. They too are people, they get tired, they get sick but still they have to tend to patients every day. I am not making excuses for my mother and I know she has high expectations on what care is given to her. She was a nurse and had been a caregiver too pre-Cancer so she knows what she's talking about. And growing up under her care, I know how demanding she can be. Why do you think I myself have high standards in everything I do? It's not by choice although now, I try to lower it because it's quite stressful. My husband chides me from demanding too much of Aqui on her reading and maths skills and I need to remind myself that what's important is that she's happy and enjoys school. But I digress. I know what my mom's like when she knows what she's talking about and that might come across as rude to other people. And it's doubly hard now because she is frustrated with the control taken out of her hands. She is used to be being the boss, of the office, of our house, of her own life. But not in this case. 

My sister is arranging for a transfer to another facility with hopefully a higher nurse to patient ratio. 

We left the facility as the visiting hours ended and said our goodbyes for now. 

On to the next challenge, how do we fit six people in a small room full of stuff? We are staying at my mother's rental single room while we are here. With a lot of Tetris-like moves, we got a temporary solution. Baby and I stay on the bed while Ronnel and the girls sleep on the floor and my sister on the floor on the other side as well.

One Week in LA: Day 2

30 December 2014

Photo of the day: My family sleeping arrangement. Axle is clearly the boss.

You know how the things you've planned and scheduled to happen never go your way? That's our whole life metaphorically but literally, it's day two for us.

In my mind, I've scheduled to clean up mama's room by lunchtime so we can go back to the hospice again to see her. Well, I was still cleaning up by 5pm and I wasn't even half complete! I should have known though because I am my mother's daughter. Those who are close to me know how I hoard and keep stuff and it's hereditary. My siblings are not free of this affliction- we just hoard different stuff. We are a family of hoardkeepers- we keep stuff in bulk. My mother keeps everything. And I mean everything. Old receipts. Photos. Plastic bags. Old cartons. Clothes that don't fit her anymore. Even seeds from the fruits she eats. I saw several avocado seeds in plastic bags because she plans to bring them to the Philippines to plant them herself. Sorry for 'outing' our family secret, mama. When I saw mama yesterday, she gave me authority to decide which stuff to keep and which to throw away. I had my sister witness that because a true hoarder is attached to stuff and I'd hate for mama to get mad at me for throwing out stuff. When she gave me that authority, it dawned on me that she has really started on the path of acceptance. But she still has a strong fighting spirit. She lifts everything to God and will fight this evil cancer to the end but is also getting ready if she loses the battle. And one way is to start organising her stuff. 

And so here I am, a daughter's dream come true: shopping from my mother's closet. BUT the dream has quickly turned into a nightmare. Taking her clothes off the closet gave me a timeline of how things progressed. Her clothes started at size XL, then L, then M, then S and now she is XS (or Petite in LA lingo). I was in an emotional roller coaster while I was packing her stuff away. Every time I see a receipt dated 2007 (did i say she kept EVERYTHING?), I can see how she bought stuff for family. When I open her old and torn wallets, I saw our photos taken ages ago so each old wallet would hold how her children 'looked' at a point in time. (Which brought me back in time when I was still a size S). 

By 7pm, my sister got back from work and the family is hungry. Ronnel looked after the kids while I tidied up and it's not an easy task and I can see him drained of all the energy. In times like this, I can see what marriage is all about. Ronnel has been my rock through all of this. I don't honour my husband enough and he hates public displays of affection. In fact I think he doesn't agree with me sharing all of these to the rest of the world but he accepts it because he knows this is my therapy. Writing is my therapy. And you reading my writing is part of that therapy. And maybe we can feel the power of many praying for mama. Did I tell you this visit was his idea? I think I mentioned that in Day Zero. Imagine that kind of commitment? That's a drain not only to our physical and emotional resources but also to our financial resources. But he never complained. Because he knows I am going through more. And I can't complain because I know my mother is going through even more. 

Day 2 wasn't a total fail. Although we were unable to visit mama (hospice visiting hours are limited), I got to organise half of her room. I got to reminisce. I got a free shopping spree on her L size clothes (I told mama she needs to get well and visit NZ to take them back). Tomorrow is another day. 

One Week in LA: Day 3

31 December 2014

Photo of the day:  The happiest place on earth

The main purpose of our visit is to make mama happy. And of course we should go to the happiest place on earth - Disneyland. 

Now I think all of the people in LA wanted to be happy too because it was too crowded that even a needle won't be able to find a space to get through. 

I realised we have bitten more than we can chew. It's already a mission with 2 girls and a baby but with mama as well, it has become a trip to the moon. And I'm no astronaut. I lack the skills and experience of caring for a patient. I feel helpless every time I see mama struggling, trying to move herself in a wheelchair, getting at least some independence in any way. Sorry and Excuse Me became my most used words today as I weave through the crowd. The promise of Queen Elsa and Princess Anna kept the girls in their best behaviour but there is only so much good behaviour the girls can maintain. And so my attention is split multiple ways. We don't have the luxury of time so we can't queue for the rides. And I take back my claim of chilled out Axle. Not even the coolest baby can hold out on milk too long. Stress and going back to work has lowered my milk supply drastically and Axle prefers warm milk. We originally planned to stay and wait for the fireworks but fatigue took over not just mama but everybody as well. My sister wanted us to stay longer and for the girls to try the rides but reality set in. It's no longer feasible. We came here because of a promise that we wanted to fulfil 30 years ago. I was 5 and mama promised to bring me to Disneyland. Now that we are here, Mama kept on saying sorry because this isn't how she wanted it to be. I told her the 'how' doesn't really matter, what matters is that the promise was fulfilled. And like man's first step on the moon, this was a great achievement for us too. What matters is mama is happy. The kids being happy is just a bonus.

One Week in LA: Day 4

01 January 2015

Photo of the day:  The Wild Guyabano Tea mama takes everyday

Everyone was exhausted with yesterday's day out and we didn't want to risk mama having an episode so we decided to sleep in a bit. 

And because we didn't have the means of preparing our own food, we had to eat out. America's problem with obesity starts with how cheap fast food is and how expensive healthy food can be. We went to Jollibee! 

On day 4, I realised how strong my sister Len is to be able to go through this day in day out. Out of us 3, she is the spoilt one, the favourite, the privileged. And so when this tragedy struck, she was also struggling to cope. It took her some time but she is getting back on her feet. It's not easy though. There was a time that I got annoyed with her for not answering my emails or messages. When I got here, I realised why. She just doesn't have the time. This situation consumes not just her time but also her energy. She has a job to support their daily expenses but it's still not enough. Mama has a routine to follow everyday and that is also managed by Len. She needs to make mama Guyabano tea and prepare her raw juice everyday. She is the one who rubs ginger oil on mama's back every time it hurts. I can only do these things this week but she does this everyday. She has to tend to her and look after her needs. My little sister has grown up and is getting stronger each day with this challenge. I feel sorry that I can't take her place and be with her to help out more. She understands I can't leave my children and is already happy to receive a week reprieve. She is still quite young and have a lot to learn but she is the best thing that mama has now. Help me pray for my little sister, that she may continue to have the strength to look after mama and herself, that she may be blessed with good health and opportunities to succeed. That this new year will be better than 2014.

One Week in LA: Day 5

02 January 2015

Photo of the day: Mama with the girls in Santa Monica Beach

Today was the hardest day of this one week in LA. We started the day with mama's routine tea and raw juicing and went to see her oncologist. I don't want to share all the details but let's just say I blanked out when the doctor asked if I had more questions. Len was more rational and was able to ask questions on pain management and any other option we can explore. I can be so confident at work in interviews and workshops but in this one, I failed. I don't have any excuse except for my mind wasn't able to process the information from the doctor properly. It keeps on rejecting the idea and the possibility of farewell. The doctor has mentioned God's plan several times. He says only God knows when it's time. And he said that mama is a very brave woman, if not, the bravest patient he has. She knows what she wants and she doesn't want to take the risk of losing herself. This evil cancer has already robbed her of independence and quality of life and she is not going to give it the satisfaction of robbing her of her memories and dignity. She still - as do we- believes that a miracle will happen.
Mama is still sharp and clever as ever. Her instructions on how I sort her stuff in her room are clear and logical, she even remembers where she put all her stuff, even the tiniest detail. But I fear that this will not last long. We asked the doctor what timeline should we be expecting. He gave a very safe answer. He said, "I can tell you this. She will not die tomorrow, neither the next day or next week. But I can't promise next month or the following after that. So live day by day and enjoy every moment you spend together." And so that's what we are doing. We are trying to give her everything that will make her happy and the peace of mind that the people she will be leaving behind will be fine.

One Week in LA: Day 6

03 January 2015

Photo of the day: Meeting my Aunts after 30++ years

Today is a "reconnecting ties" day.

My aunts drove all the way from San Francisco to meet us. This is the first time seeing them after 30 years. At first I was hesitant about meeting them because I feel bad for having them drive for so long and I don't know what kind of people they are-- and I'm sure they are wondering the same thing about me, having only met me when I was a child. But all the anxiety disappeared when I met them as I only felt their warmth and overflowing compassion for us. One good thing that came out of this situation is it pulled the family together. I never would have met my aunts. I never would have gone to LA with the whole family - not until the kids are bigger and we have paid off our mortgage. But God's plans are different from mine and I can only succumb to Him. I still do not know the answer to my questions-- Why is He allowing this kind of suffering to my mother? What does He want us to do? Should we fight or let go? Does He really want mama to turn down radiation and chemo and take the natural way? Is the decision we are making the best one? All of these questions remain unanswered as I lift everything to Him. 

I've started packing for our trip back home at the same time continuing to organise mama's room. I've cleared out her closet and packed them into boxes ready for whatever happens - if a miracle happens, it's stored and labeled so she can wear her clothes again but if God takes her, then the plan is to donate them, or have a garage sale if possible to help with the cost incurred thus far. And debts have piled up really. I hate talking about money - or the lack of it- I've seen it drive relationships and people to ruin but avoiding it also has the same impact. If I didn't go to LA, I wouldn't find out how dire their situation is. As a parent, I think mama didn't want us to worry, same with papa. But as children, we also cannot help but worry and hiding the real situation doesn't do any good. But I know it isn't too late yet. There is still time and there is a lot that can be done.

One Week in LA: Day 7

04 January 2015

Photo of the day: Our last stop before saying goodbye at Holy Family Church

Today is our last day in LA. Some already have asked why we can't stay long and that the seven days stay is not commensurate to the cost of airfare. In Filipino, hindi sulit. No amount of time is ever enough. Life doesn't stop. But this is all we have for now. And we make do. We made the best of every minute in that seven days. And these are the 7 lessons I learned during those 7 days:

1. God is good. All the time. Despite all the unanswered questions, we remain steadfast. I know He has a plan for mama. I just don't know what it is yet. But I have faith. He has never failed us. His plans may be different from mine and I can only pray for discernment so that I can adapt to those differences. I was very disappointed when my plan for my aunt to come visit us to help out with Axle didn't push through and I lost sleep thinking where I went wrong. When I found out about mama, only then did it dawn on me that maybe He planned this so that we can go there as a family and maybe He wants my aunt to go there to take care of mama. The first one is done and the latter, we are working on.

2. To understand someone, walk a mile in her shoes. Being there for one week opened my eyes to the pain and suffering mama is going through and the difficulties my sister has to face day by day. That's because I witnessed and experienced it myself. I walked in their shoes. And these are big shoes to fill. My sister continues to amaze me with how she is handling things, how she's grown up from my sosyal sister to the hard working focused strong and loving person that she is now. She is truly being hand crafted and put into the fire by the Master to become a diamond.

3. Little things matter. Whenever we had our photos taken, mama would ask for my lipstick. I can see that she is still the mama that I know despite the gaunt face and the thin hair. She is still as kikay as ever. Or when we go out, she has tissues everywhere and she hoards them like crazy from any place she could get them from the facility. These little things are what make my mother Mama. She is who she is and we love every inch of her. She is a very strong woman. She endures the pain and tries to keep it all in.

4. Do not hoardkeep. (Should I claim invention of this word?) So this is a no brainer BUT to a family of hoardkeepers, this is next to impossible. I still haven't finished organising mama's room and there is still quite a few to organise under the bed and some boxes. Sure, it's good to keep all the cards and letters you've received but surely not the years of bills or receipts. I myself am guilty of hoard keeping and I've started selling or giving away Aqui and Ia's baby clothes and toys. I'm only leaving one or two for sentimental value.

5. Laugh. Even in this dire situation, we still find opportunities to make each other laugh (thus, Axle's photo wearing mama's wig). Mama even joked a lot about how she will stick around as a ghost to scare us.

6. Take care of your health. I will start juicing again when I'm back at NZ. It really takes commitment because you need to do a lot of prepping but since Mama is doing it, I will too. I only found out that she was given one month by the doctor and now she has surpassed this by three months-- and juicing could have contributed. Avoid stress.

Mama reckons the root of this cancer is stress. Their life in LA hasn't been a bed of roses even in pre-cancer days. A popular misconception is that when you live abroad, life is easy. It's not. And the fast paced dog-eat-dog lifestyle in LA didn't help. At one point, mama had four jobs to keep up with the standard of living there. I'll stick with Wellington. We may not have giant malls and what little shops we have close at 5pm but we have a lot stuff we can do together as a family. When we brought mama to Santa Monica beach because she felt stuffy at the hospice, we saw how crowded the beach was and how people used it as a runway. People were dressed up and adorned with designer stuff. I was underdressed for the beach with my worn-more-than-once pants and Axle vomit-stained top. The LA lifestyle didn't appeal to us and I realised it was because we fell in love with Wellington. I love that in Welly, we have time to pick flowers and admire how the clouds look like the intro of Simpsons. I love that Ronnel and I have time to be hands on parents, that we are not pressured to be at the top of the ladder. But I don't think that this can only be done in Wellington. I believe it's a matter of mindset. That wherever you are, you can control your priorities in life, you can consciously avoid this cancer-inducing stress. At the end of the day, all that you've worked for is naught when this evil cancer hits you.

7. Lastly, I've learned to live life day by day, to appreciate and show the people around me how much I love them. Mama and Papa aren't really showy when they were together and my siblings and I don't hug or say I love you to each other. This week, I made up for all that. I hugged mama every chance I got. I appreciate and commend my sister. Imagine, she took the week off so she can be with us. That is a big deal in LA especially since she is still on a probation period. God is good to have given her an employer who've allowed this. Also, I appreciate my husband Ronnel and my children for supporting me through this trying time. It is not an easy feat travelling with kids or managing our finances. That vow for sickness and in health has been tested this week.

Another thing I've discovered is that by sharing my thoughts on FB, I found out how common cancer is - I am not alone. Friends have messaged me saying that they are going through or have gone through the same thing, sending words of support and prayers. Thank you. I appreciate you. Let's continue the fight for our loved ones. 

So those are the seven lessons. I'm sure I've learned more but I'm just too exhausted to think. I'm writing this through tears in our trip back to NZ as Ronnel and the kids sleep uncomfortably in their seats. 

I originally planned to work the day after we arrive but I don't think I will be productive as I am emotionally and physically drained. There is still so much to do. I've brought tons of mama's stuff to sell in NZ, hoping that the proceeds could add to the funds my sister is raising. I still consider myself lucky because I at least have a day to recuperate. My sister and mother don't have this luxury. Please pray for them. And if you can, help her. Help us. Please visit www.gofundme.com/support4emy